Saturday, March 14, 2009
Argh.
Restless again. I want to go back to Waco, but I really don't. I want to stay here with my family. I want to be back with my boyfriend, but I want to sit in my house with nothing to do and feel great about it. I want to go to apartment and not be angry and irritated by recurring nightmarish situations and people and responsibilites and commitments and deadlines and projects and scrutiny and auditions and hopelessness and helplessness and drowning in my own procrastination and my unending fear of people with their pettiness and their poor discretion and their lack of civility. I want to lay in a huge bathtub with bubbles and I want to hold my breath under the hot water as long as I can. For some reason, I feel like that is my medicine. That's what's going to make the anxiety fade out. I'm over this phase of my life. Can I move on now? Can I be graduated and on my way to NY?
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Recently advice was given that was not good advice. Well, I shouldn't say that. I'll amend. The advice was not complete advice. It was the kind of "follow your heart" advice that it recklessly dramatic and hopelessly vague, the last kind of advice that should be given to this particular recipient.
To be a little less cryptic for argument's sake, the advice given was a bit like this: You should never keep your mouth shut. Speak in love, but do speak. You will regret it if you stay silent.
Now, while I agree that it is not healthy to hold things back from people you care about (especially if their well-being is at stake), I disagree entirely with the stipulation that 'everything' should be said. If someone you know is binge drinking themselves to death, please help them, talk to them. If someone you know walks funny, don't tell them, love them and walk with them. They probably know they're a little gimpy and don't need you to point it out. If someone you know has a problem they confide in you, it is your job to keep it and help them through it. It is not your job to tell someone else. It is not your job to broadcast it. It is not your job to weave it into the grapevine.
As someones friend, it is your job to speak up when your friend needs to hear something. It is your job to remind them that you care by telling them you do, saying you love them, giving them a hug. It is not your job to be solely responsible for your adult friend. You may not agree with them, it may be difficult to support them, it may be hard to keep your opinions for the sake of their happiness. Ultimately, THAT is your job as their friend. Supporting them, their happiness, and their decisions as much as you can. And above all, loving them no matter what.
If your friend buys a dog, even if you hate dogs...Good for them.
If your friend gets their nipples pierced, ouch....But way to go.
If your friend wants to join a circus and be the Bearded Lady....Buy your tickets early.
If your friend tells you that they are gay....be as proud of them as they should be of themselves.
If your friend wants to marry their high school sweetheart....offer to help plan the wedding.
If your friend gets evicted...pull out the air mattress or let them crash on your couch.
If your friend wants to tattoo a life-size rendering of Tickle-Me-Elmo on their back....go with them and hold their hand, it's going to be a long night.
If you have feelings for someone you know, I am a firm believer that you should keep your mouth shut about it unless that person expresses interest. In that case, your feelings should gradually be shown. That way, you don't reveal too much too quickly and if it doesn't work out, you can walk away with your dignity and feelings in tact. If you know for certain that the person does NOT feel the same way, it is fruitless, reckless to tell them how you feel. Not only could you destroy or forever alter the dynamic of that friendship/relationship, you risk your own feelings being shattered. You most certainly do not broadcast it to the rest of the world.
Words are powerful. Both the giver and receiver of this "good advice" should know that better than most...and to give such romanticized advice without knowing the context is careless.
Clearly this is something I am feeling exponentially stronger about the more I am having to deal with it...*steps down off soap box*
To be a little less cryptic for argument's sake, the advice given was a bit like this: You should never keep your mouth shut. Speak in love, but do speak. You will regret it if you stay silent.
Now, while I agree that it is not healthy to hold things back from people you care about (especially if their well-being is at stake), I disagree entirely with the stipulation that 'everything' should be said. If someone you know is binge drinking themselves to death, please help them, talk to them. If someone you know walks funny, don't tell them, love them and walk with them. They probably know they're a little gimpy and don't need you to point it out. If someone you know has a problem they confide in you, it is your job to keep it and help them through it. It is not your job to tell someone else. It is not your job to broadcast it. It is not your job to weave it into the grapevine.
As someones friend, it is your job to speak up when your friend needs to hear something. It is your job to remind them that you care by telling them you do, saying you love them, giving them a hug. It is not your job to be solely responsible for your adult friend. You may not agree with them, it may be difficult to support them, it may be hard to keep your opinions for the sake of their happiness. Ultimately, THAT is your job as their friend. Supporting them, their happiness, and their decisions as much as you can. And above all, loving them no matter what.
If your friend buys a dog, even if you hate dogs...Good for them.
If your friend gets their nipples pierced, ouch....But way to go.
If your friend wants to join a circus and be the Bearded Lady....Buy your tickets early.
If your friend tells you that they are gay....be as proud of them as they should be of themselves.
If your friend wants to marry their high school sweetheart....offer to help plan the wedding.
If your friend gets evicted...pull out the air mattress or let them crash on your couch.
If your friend wants to tattoo a life-size rendering of Tickle-Me-Elmo on their back....go with them and hold their hand, it's going to be a long night.
If you have feelings for someone you know, I am a firm believer that you should keep your mouth shut about it unless that person expresses interest. In that case, your feelings should gradually be shown. That way, you don't reveal too much too quickly and if it doesn't work out, you can walk away with your dignity and feelings in tact. If you know for certain that the person does NOT feel the same way, it is fruitless, reckless to tell them how you feel. Not only could you destroy or forever alter the dynamic of that friendship/relationship, you risk your own feelings being shattered. You most certainly do not broadcast it to the rest of the world.
Words are powerful. Both the giver and receiver of this "good advice" should know that better than most...and to give such romanticized advice without knowing the context is careless.
Clearly this is something I am feeling exponentially stronger about the more I am having to deal with it...*steps down off soap box*
Sunday, March 8, 2009
A suggestion of Time.
Here you are.
And here I am.
And at this moment, you are what I have.
Now what am I going to do with you? Someone put you here in my head unintentionally and now here you will stay. Locked in here rolling around and mixing yourself in with all my other thoughts, irreversibly linking yourself to the rest of my mind and its reaches until there is not one thought, not a single musing to be had without your self stamped all over it. You are a sly notion as well, you creep in when my head is empty and you'll crawl into my dreams tonight where I won't be able to control you. You'll run rampant and I'll wake up sweating and panting and maybe I'll cry out hoping you aren't truth. I'll hope you are part of my imagination, a result of fear that breeds new fear. I'll pray you are a creation of my uncertainty and not a fact. You have been suppressed for three months, written-off for three months, passed over for three months in the hope that I would be strong enough to deal with you only when I absolutely had to, the hope that I could be steady and confident enough to withstand your assault when the time came. I thought I could do that. I hope I still can...but you scared me tonight. You caught me off-guard when I was vulnerable and I showed my weakness. I showed my weakness to the very one who proposed you. I hope it wasn't as unsettling to him as you were to me. I fought the heavy stinging tears that you brought to my eyes and I could not look at him. I couldn't think of you, the possibility of you, the reality of you. I can't decide if I'm about to face you or that you have slowly crept up on me, but I know that I'm not ready to do either. I have the memory of my red eyes and his tender scolding to remind me of how unsteady I am.
A silly girl.
The fear of a year will be the end of me.
He said "Well look at it this way".
And I tried, but it was a meager portion of comfort I couldn't stomach.
And here I am.
And at this moment, you are what I have.
Now what am I going to do with you? Someone put you here in my head unintentionally and now here you will stay. Locked in here rolling around and mixing yourself in with all my other thoughts, irreversibly linking yourself to the rest of my mind and its reaches until there is not one thought, not a single musing to be had without your self stamped all over it. You are a sly notion as well, you creep in when my head is empty and you'll crawl into my dreams tonight where I won't be able to control you. You'll run rampant and I'll wake up sweating and panting and maybe I'll cry out hoping you aren't truth. I'll hope you are part of my imagination, a result of fear that breeds new fear. I'll pray you are a creation of my uncertainty and not a fact. You have been suppressed for three months, written-off for three months, passed over for three months in the hope that I would be strong enough to deal with you only when I absolutely had to, the hope that I could be steady and confident enough to withstand your assault when the time came. I thought I could do that. I hope I still can...but you scared me tonight. You caught me off-guard when I was vulnerable and I showed my weakness. I showed my weakness to the very one who proposed you. I hope it wasn't as unsettling to him as you were to me. I fought the heavy stinging tears that you brought to my eyes and I could not look at him. I couldn't think of you, the possibility of you, the reality of you. I can't decide if I'm about to face you or that you have slowly crept up on me, but I know that I'm not ready to do either. I have the memory of my red eyes and his tender scolding to remind me of how unsteady I am.
A silly girl.
The fear of a year will be the end of me.
He said "Well look at it this way".
And I tried, but it was a meager portion of comfort I couldn't stomach.
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