It's been a year and it's time to reflect.
I'm not sure I've really changed too much. So many conditional words in there...
What have I learned?
*people are not who you think they are no matter how well you feel that you know them.
*no matter how much you believe in yourself, it takes someone else's belief in you to make things happen.
*belief alone will get you nowhere
*assumptions are dangerous in any situation
*happiness may very well be a myth. temporary content, however, is a complete reality.
*love doesn't ever work out the way you plan for it or hope for it to.
*hope alone will get you nowhere.
*actions do indeed speak louder than words, and leave more lasting impressions.
*feminine charm will get you nowhere.
*sincerity is easy, convincing people you are sincere is hard.
*fear is the the catalyst to failure.
*do not spread trust thin, place it in only partially in the few and the worthy.
*love does keep an account of wrongs, and it will bring it to you in a double-spaced, bulleted list with categorized sub-headings.
*negativity is not rewarded. positivity is not rewarded either.
*if you master nothing else, be a master judge of character.
My dreams have been empty for some time now. The last dream I remember heralded the end of a chapter in my life long before the end actually came - and here I am on the precipice of a new one. I am looking for a new apartment, I am fumbling and fucking up my way through a new relationship, I am searching for a a way to get my life back on track - emotionally, physically, professionally, mentally. At this point, if it wasn't already obvious, I am just feeling drained. I'm coming about of so much heartache and broken-ness. And maybe that's from working nights 5 days in a row - or maybe that's just my general feeling about things. Whatever the reason, I am fighting the urge to run away from everything and take some time to re-group and recoup. I don't think that is necessarily what I NEED, but it is the easy thing to do....well, not easy, it would involve a lot of high-stress situations coming to a head and ending a lot of things that have barely begun, but I'm getting to the point mentally where I just don't even care. I've separated myself from a lot of familiar things and I'm afraid of moving forward even though that's is what I desperately want to do. I've forgotten who I am. I've not given myself time to create and do. I've not allowed myself any time to connect with myself, with my creativity. I need that part of myself to function like a normal human being. Right now I feel like a stranger in my own world.
