How did I fuck things up this much? The weight of everything is making me literally sick to my stomach. I came up here to build a life, without a clear plan for my future, hoping to fly by the seat of my pants as I always have and hoping for success to come my way. But money and love and lethargy barred my way.

And now I am once again on the precipice of great change. There are a couple of ways this could all play out.

A week or so ago I was so sure - I thought I had convinced myself I knew what I wanted - and now here I am wondering what I should do. Again.

What is there here for me? What can I feasibly afford to do?

What do I really want?

What is going to fulfill me?

When am I going to stop being indecisive?